Dear Sir Stapler,
Last week when we were battling, you told me I am the “bad guy.” Now, what I understand from the teens these days, is that there is a certain Billie Eyelash that says that she is the “Bad Guy.” If this is true, then that makes your comment completely irrelevant. For I am not the “Bad Guy,” in fact, it is you that is the “Bad Guy.” Even with this fact laid out flat, I am a firm believer in eyelashes being a true “Bad Guy,” for the purpose of eyelashes is to keep small things from floating in your eye. Now may I say, Sir Stapler, that we must gang up against the eyelashes of the world because although they do keep dust particles from falling into our eyes, the eyelashes themselves fall into our eyes instead.
This is my invitation to you, to join on my side, and fight the eyelashes of the world.
Sir Staple Remover (Cadence Bell)
This is for Rachel...you big, fat, nasty smelling stapler. You can never take me down with your nasty intentions. You may be able to defeat me with your staples but I will never give up. My kind will rise up against you!
The Papers (Meghan Boozer)
I hope that you run out of staples and everything you hold dear. May you burn in the fiery pits of stapler hell. You deserve it because you stapled my finger. That hurt, so I’m going to make you suffer.
Why you gotta be this way, bro
You went and did the bad, and I’m honestly just disappointed in you
I legit thought you were better than that, and you proved me wrong
Honestly, bro, I’m as disappointed in myself for trusting you to not be this way than i am in you for being this way
You keep on doing this
And I’m just not gonna put up with it anymore
Dear Mr. Stapler,
Listen up, you pig. Why do you feel the need to pretend to staple my papers, only to not actually staple them? You are a pain and need to be destroyed. At least Mr. Paperclip wouldn't treat me like this. We are over.
Sincerely, the essay is due today (Olivia Gibbons)
Dear Mr. Stapler,
Why do you even exist? You only continue to make the OCD depressed, hurt someone when you are dropped, and forcefully combine things together against their will. I have now decided to make my new friend Staple Remover. No one deserves you, not even two pieces of paper that want to get married forever. You don’t deserve anything.
Your Worst Enemy (Malachi Gnade)
How could you do this. I trusted you. I trusted you and you betrayed me. I feel a fire in my veins as I watch you leave. I don’t understand why you had to do this to me. Why?
...WHY DID YOU RUN OUT OF STAPLES RIGHT WHEN YOU GOT TO ME? (Brianna Griesenauer)
Dear bane of my existence,
HOW DARE YOU! I am done with your shenanigans! Must you be such a headache? All I ask of you, is that you hold my papers together, and you can’t even do that!! You are a disappointment!! I’d rather use glue instead of you, and do you know how impractical that is? That’s how much I hate- no, DESPISE you! I Hope your staples get jammed and you get thrown into the trash, because you know what?? You're not worth being recycled.
Kassidy Kessler, your destroyer
My dearest friend,
Why must you torment the fragile paper.
You have it upon the wang against the will of many.
Please, I beg of you, cease this tyranny.
Richard, Monica’s weird clown (Megan Koch)
Dear Mrs. Stapler,
I am writing to you to let you know that your son Staple Jr. has fallen in battle. He fought bravely against the Remover horde and saved his entire battalion with his heroic sacrifice. Do not mourn him... instead praise him as a great hero so that he may enjoy the afterlife in The Grate Trash Can in the heavens.
General Paper of the Imperial Office Supplies army (Carly Nims)
How’s your day going? I hope it’s wonderful. Anyway ….
I swear...if you deny me my reward one more time, I’ll end you! It’ll be easy to crush you with a hammer and watch your pieces scatter and die. Take one piece away, and you’re nothing, just a useless tool for people to walk by and ignore. Take away your purpose, and you’ll fade away into nothingness. That’s what happens when you live for others - when they don’t need you, you don’t need yourself. Your very existence becomes unimportant. All I need to do is take away a tiny piece of you, and you’ll crumble to dust.
All the love,
Remember those times, when I thought I was the problem?
When I smacked you over and over again, waiting for you to staple my paper?
All this time, I thought I was the problem, but you were simply out of staples
And you never thought to tell me
As I sat there, looking like an idiot
And you had your fun
Mary Ellen Raymo
Dear friend, the Stapler,
I think it’s time to be honest. My hatred for you is as strong as the currents in the ocean. Why do you exist? You try to be helpful, when you are absolutely unneeded. You think you’re so cool, with your multicolored staples, but in fact that is not true. Paper clips can be multicolored too! I feel as if my truths have been spoken, and I wish you an okay day. I do not feel the need to wish you a good day, because I do not think you deserve it. If I was given the opportunity to give you a thumbs up for your work, I would give you a thumbs down. You would have a -30% review on Rotten Tomatoes if it were up to me.
The Paper Clip (Emily Swain)
You aren’t there when I need you, you never have been. As soon as I turn around you’re gone, you run away and you hide. And when you're present you never help, you’re only a pain in my side. I hate you, and every thing like you, and every thing that reminds me of you. I’m done, thanks for everything; or for nothing, Stapler.
All the Best,
You’ve ruined too many good pages and attached yourself to too many walls. You leech off of those you touch and leave holes in their life. You refuse to leave, gripping on and hurting them. I’m done. You, stapler, better watch your back.